Thursday, 28 December 2017

Never A Full Stop With You

When you're staring at an empty page
When there's nothing new left to say
But even so you've got so many feelings you want to convey
Because the longer you keep regurgitating the pain
The longer in your heart they can stay.

Monday, 25 December 2017

Depressing xmas #9

Sometimes I feel like they only wheel me out at Christmas. All year I'm left to rot, convalescing listless, calling out to nurses who ignore me from a distance. Twelve long months I wait just starving for attention, and then my family take me home but all I do is ratchet up the tension. After being alone for so long all I want to do is talk. They act as if I won't shut up, as if I'm just hard work. Eventually I give advice that makes someone else upset, I fall asleep and they maneuver me into the car like a stale old baguette. I wake up in the morning and I'm all alone again, in another year they'll come around, I'm sure they'll talk to me by then.

Depressing xmas #12

Misery once exuded from me, now all feelings elude me. Christmas dinner is a frozen microwaveable meal for one, eaten on a stable table inherited from my recently deceased mum.

I've been waiting all year for this to be over, I sold my mum's house, and her old landrover. I called up the charity stores and let them come in, traipse through the house, remove all her things. Now the only place my mother resides is deeply in my head, so I've taken steps, I'll soon make sure I'm dead. 

What a fitting send off than the flick of Christmas lights, shepherding me like a rainbow into this long night. 

The Gift No One Wants From Christmas

Congratulations, you've got a dick
I guess you must have been so proud of that fact
And the depressing averageness of it
That you wanted to send me a pic
Well I'm touched
But thankfully not by it.

Wednesday, 20 December 2017

depressing xmas #13

I bought another present for you and left the box by your front door. I was watching from across the street, I heard you as you swore. I felt the bile you projected all the way from there, I felt the jolts and every thump as you hurled my present down your stairs. When you heard it whimper and you rushed over to see, I felt sick. I felt positively beastly. It wasn't meant to go like that. You always said that all you wanted was a cat.
Well that cat must've used up one of it's nine lives, without a scratch it somehow miraculously survived. You clutched it to your chest and rushed the poor wretched thing inside. My love was like the box, forgotten, crushed, and left behind.

Depressing xmas #10

The muzak version of pa rum pa pum pum
Is currently chiseling away at my ear drums.
I came here for a coffee and respite,
Not to listen to this god awful shite.
My kids are at home with their dad,
I should feel guilty but I'm so ridiculously glad.
I just needed a fucking break,
Even if it wound up being a watered down pumpkin spice latte crap shake.
Christmas in the southern hemisphere - yet another scorcher,
Sitting here in this cafe melting, thinking 'life is torture'.

Depressing xmas #14

Your sibling has been harassing you all night, waiting for you to bite, all they want is to provoke you to fight. You can tell by their eyes, their over-embellished lies and that nickname you despise. All you want is a friend, but you're in the wrong place for them, this is Christmas, and you're the sacrificial lamb. Like the Christmas ham, you will be carved, roasted and chewed, everyone will be tearing a slice off of you. All year you built a shell, to get you through this hell, but it never lasts. Just like in the past they'll huff and puff and blow that shell down, everything you've built will be spat on and kicked to the ground.

Depressing xmas #15

Merry Christmas to me. Wanking alone in misery. Each pump another self flagellating thump as I ponder life's great mysteries. Like why my wife left me, when all I said was I preferred our old tree. And then refused to get up to help her carry in the groceries, when I'd just sat down so latterly. Fuck her I say, well, retrospectively. Certainly not literally. Not anymore.

Depressing xmas #3

I only had fifty dollars left in the bank, I could send them presents or gift them presence by refilling my gas tank. I decided to visit, and dressed in my finest clothes, I drove to the service station at the end of my road. They'd be disappointed that I was empty handed, of that I am sure, but at least we'd be together, and that's what Christmases are really for. I filled the tank and put my card into the ATM, I punched the code of my son's birth date in, and then a second time when it asked again. The code I used for everything, suddenly it was failing, panic gripped as I punched the keypad but it's help was unavailing. The machine said "wait", the card slot clanked, a message flashed up saying to contact my bank. My card was gone, and so was all hope, and yet now I couldn't even afford to buy a length of rope. The banks not open Christmas day, I said to the attendant it'll be OK - I just live up the road you know, I'll quickly duck home and get what I owe. He made me leave the car behind. I walked home, poured a drink, and got completely blind.

Thursday, 14 December 2017

Depressing xmas #5

I bought her the iPad she wanted and she thanked Santa, being overlooked has become my mantra. I pass out the presents, as good daddy's must do, soon to become unloved junk that the children eschew. As the rubbish piles of wrapping paper accrue, and the Christmas tree stands slightly askew, all I can think of is being with you, my first love, the one who got away and broke my heart in two. Now with half a heart I love my partner and my brain reminds it to stay true, but the other half aches and all it wants to do, is get out of here, and run away with you.

Monday, 11 December 2017

depressing xmas #7

Positively enraged as Jingle Bells plays, you wish these days were your last.
You pack some crap into a santa's sack that you've shoved festinately into your cart.
The counter clerk, with elf clothes and a smirk, wishes you a cheery "season's greetings!".
But all you can think, is that you're about an inch from raining upon someone a fistful of brutal beatings.

Depressing xmas #6

We revert back to our childhood selves. Insecure and attention starved thinking only of ourselves. Picking at each other's wounds we open up old scabs. We treat each other with disrespect as our mother nags. I cannot believe it's Christmas time already this year, my stress levels have not sufficiently recovered to allow me to be back here. I'd like to say that I can cope, that this will be A-OK, but somehow I know I'll be chewing someone out and drinking alone by the end of the day. 

Depressing xmas #11

Your partner is moaning at you to go around again, the carpark's full, you're being driven around the bend. You left the Christmas shopping until the last minute yet again, you're going to rush, panic and overspend, on people you're inexplicably keen to have keep calling you a friend, even though you never see them and their love is just pretend.

Friday, 8 December 2017

Depressing xmas #8

I wish I could be here forever, but these years keep coming so fast. All I can think each Christmas is that this one could be my last. My kids have grown and all left home, they don't need me any more. I'm tucked away in the old folks home, I'm suffering behind closed doors. The photos of me have found their way from their mantles to their drawers. There was a time when their love made me feel rich, but now all I feel is poor.

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Through Your Despising Eyes Reprised

You look at me
 and you see cold,
you instinctively tug at the cincture of your jacket
 and the collar folds,
as if you could catch the frost from me,
as if you can see by my face what it's like to be me.
Your eyes barely even rate me a mention,
the footpath is taking up the majority of their attention.
Your brain will rapidly delete me,
if my love was a virus, the world would be disease free.

Depressing xmas #4

The only thing I want for Christmas is you.
For you to walk the earth again would be my wish come true.
And just in case, we still set a place at the table just for you.
Christmases are not the same unless you are here too

Depressing xmas #1

You bought them everything their hearts desired, but when push came to shove,
You bought them everything they could ever want, but you couldn't buy their love.

Saturday, 2 December 2017

All So Wrong

God, it's all so wrong. I was meant to be strong. I wasn't made to suffer through and carry on. I wasn't made for mediocrity and being dull. I was supposed to twinkle in the sky, just like mummy sang until I turned five. I wanted to be a contender, but somehow I ended up a phone mender.