Thursday, 28 December 2017

Never A Full Stop With You

When you're staring at an empty page
When there's nothing new left to say
But even so you've got so many feelings you want to convey
Because the longer you keep regurgitating the pain
The longer in your heart they can stay.

Monday, 25 December 2017

Depressing xmas #9

Sometimes I feel like they only wheel me out at Christmas. All year I'm left to rot, convalescing listless, calling out to nurses who ignore me from a distance. Twelve long months I wait just starving for attention, and then my family take me home but all I do is ratchet up the tension. After being alone for so long all I want to do is talk. They act as if I won't shut up, as if I'm just hard work. Eventually I give advice that makes someone else upset, I fall asleep and they maneuver me into the car like a stale old baguette. I wake up in the morning and I'm all alone again, in another year they'll come around, I'm sure they'll talk to me by then.

Depressing xmas #12

Misery once exuded from me, now all feelings elude me. Christmas dinner is a frozen microwaveable meal for one, eaten on a stable table inherited from my recently deceased mum.

I've been waiting all year for this to be over, I sold my mum's house, and her old landrover. I called up the charity stores and let them come in, traipse through the house, remove all her things. Now the only place my mother resides is deeply in my head, so I've taken steps, I'll soon make sure I'm dead. 

What a fitting send off than the flick of Christmas lights, shepherding me like a rainbow into this long night. 

The Gift No One Wants From Christmas

Congratulations, you've got a dick
I guess you must have been so proud of that fact
And the depressing averageness of it
That you wanted to send me a pic
Well I'm touched
But thankfully not by it.

Sunday, 24 December 2017


As you gather round with your loved ones for your Christmas meal
Try to remember how this all-too-brief moment of happiness feels
Try to concentrate on the here and now
Try not to think about the fact
Everyone round the table
Will one day be buried deep beneath the ground
And that the noise you currently hear so loudly inside you
Won't be making a single sound.

Friday, 22 December 2017

All The Things You Abhor

You're selling pain
But your payment is only in likes
Which will be of no use to you this Christmas when you're trying to feed a table full of little tikes
At least you've saved money
Whereas you used to go out and see the sights
Now you just stay indoors
And go through the hashtags
Of all the things you adore
Until self-loathing catches up with you
And they become all the things you abhor.

Wednesday, 20 December 2017

depressing xmas #13

I bought another present for you and left the box by your front door. I was watching from across the street, I heard you as you swore. I felt the bile you projected all the way from there, I felt the jolts and every thump as you hurled my present down your stairs. When you heard it whimper and you rushed over to see, I felt sick. I felt positively beastly. It wasn't meant to go like that. You always said that all you wanted was a cat.
Well that cat must've used up one of it's nine lives, without a scratch it somehow miraculously survived. You clutched it to your chest and rushed the poor wretched thing inside. My love was like the box, forgotten, crushed, and left behind.

Depressing xmas #10

The muzak version of pa rum pa pum pum
Is currently chiseling away at my ear drums.
I came here for a coffee and respite,
Not to listen to this god awful shite.
My kids are at home with their dad,
I should feel guilty but I'm so ridiculously glad.
I just needed a fucking break,
Even if it wound up being a watered down pumpkin spice latte crap shake.
Christmas in the southern hemisphere - yet another scorcher,
Sitting here in this cafe melting, thinking 'life is torture'.

Depressing xmas #14

Your sibling has been harassing you all night, waiting for you to bite, all they want is to provoke you to fight. You can tell by their eyes, their over-embellished lies and that nickname you despise. All you want is a friend, but you're in the wrong place for them, this is Christmas, and you're the sacrificial lamb. Like the Christmas ham, you will be carved, roasted and chewed, everyone will be tearing a slice off of you. All year you built a shell, to get you through this hell, but it never lasts. Just like in the past they'll huff and puff and blow that shell down, everything you've built will be spat on and kicked to the ground.

Depressing xmas #15

Merry Christmas to me. Wanking alone in misery. Each pump another self flagellating thump as I ponder life's great mysteries. Like why my wife left me, when all I said was I preferred our old tree. And then refused to get up to help her carry in the groceries, when I'd just sat down so latterly. Fuck her I say, well, retrospectively. Certainly not literally. Not anymore.

Depressing xmas #3

I only had fifty dollars left in the bank, I could send them presents or gift them presence by refilling my gas tank. I decided to visit, and dressed in my finest clothes, I drove to the service station at the end of my road. They'd be disappointed that I was empty handed, of that I am sure, but at least we'd be together, and that's what Christmases are really for. I filled the tank and put my card into the ATM, I punched the code of my son's birth date in, and then a second time when it asked again. The code I used for everything, suddenly it was failing, panic gripped as I punched the keypad but it's help was unavailing. The machine said "wait", the card slot clanked, a message flashed up saying to contact my bank. My card was gone, and so was all hope, and yet now I couldn't even afford to buy a length of rope. The banks not open Christmas day, I said to the attendant it'll be OK - I just live up the road you know, I'll quickly duck home and get what I owe. He made me leave the car behind. I walked home, poured a drink, and got completely blind.

My 1TL

Hey, don't feel bad for me. I won't be spending Christmas alone. I'll be spending Christmas with my phone. Whatever time I'm awake there'll always be someone with whom to bitch and moan. And share a not-in-the-least-bit bitter joke. I'll boost my ego by talking to people who wouldn't give me the time of day if they didn't have the protective barrier of a screen and living thousands of miles away. I'll scroll up, I'll scroll down, I'll swipe left, I'll swipe right, I'll invite potentially dangerous strangers round. Only when my battery dies will the gnawing sense of emptiness start to eat me up inside and will I pray for the end to another interminably long and lonely night as I curse my wretched life.

Monday, 18 December 2017

A Complete Joke

You joined Instagram
Met some like-minded folk
Got some likes on your posts
Enough to give you a little hope
That there's some merit to all the words you wrote
Now here's Christmas
And your family
To remind you
Once the alcohol is in full flow
That amongst whom it matters the most
You're still considered nothing but a complete joke.

Saturday, 16 December 2017

With Enough Seroquel, This Christmas Will Be Just Swell

When I told my ex-girlfriend
That I was going to slit my wrists
Her reply was:
"Though you'll be missed
I want to thank you
For saving me a couple of quid
For that's another name I can now cross off my Christmas card list".

Thursday, 14 December 2017

Depressing xmas #5

I bought her the iPad she wanted and she thanked Santa, being overlooked has become my mantra. I pass out the presents, as good daddy's must do, soon to become unloved junk that the children eschew. As the rubbish piles of wrapping paper accrue, and the Christmas tree stands slightly askew, all I can think of is being with you, my first love, the one who got away and broke my heart in two. Now with half a heart I love my partner and my brain reminds it to stay true, but the other half aches and all it wants to do, is get out of here, and run away with you.

The Cat One

I am an abomination
My neighbours went on Christmas vacation
And I let them return to a cat that had died of starvation
I can't even claim to have forgotten
I feel fucking rotten
That my life has hit such a rock bottom
That I couldn't even drag myself out of bed
To make sure a dependent living creature was fed
I don't think it possible to be any more depressed.

Puppy Love

My love is like a puppy
Best put in a bag and left to drown
Unless you forever want me following you around.

Monday, 11 December 2017

depressing xmas #7

Positively enraged as Jingle Bells plays, you wish these days were your last.
You pack some crap into a santa's sack that you've shoved festinately into your cart.
The counter clerk, with elf clothes and a smirk, wishes you a cheery "season's greetings!".
But all you can think, is that you're about an inch from raining upon someone a fistful of brutal beatings.

Depressing xmas #6

We revert back to our childhood selves. Insecure and attention starved thinking only of ourselves. Picking at each other's wounds we open up old scabs. We treat each other with disrespect as our mother nags. I cannot believe it's Christmas time already this year, my stress levels have not sufficiently recovered to allow me to be back here. I'd like to say that I can cope, that this will be A-OK, but somehow I know I'll be chewing someone out and drinking alone by the end of the day. 

Depressing xmas #11

Your partner is moaning at you to go around again, the carpark's full, you're being driven around the bend. You left the Christmas shopping until the last minute yet again, you're going to rush, panic and overspend, on people you're inexplicably keen to have keep calling you a friend, even though you never see them and their love is just pretend.

Sunday, 10 December 2017

No Guiding Light

My kids
My wife
What really do I bring to their life?
Sure, each Christmas I get them some presents that are nice
But I'm no guiding light
I'm no one you come to for advice
If you had your time again
I'm no mistake you'd want to make twice.

Friday, 8 December 2017

Depressing xmas #8

I wish I could be here forever, but these years keep coming so fast. All I can think each Christmas is that this one could be my last. My kids have grown and all left home, they don't need me any more. I'm tucked away in the old folks home, I'm suffering behind closed doors. The photos of me have found their way from their mantles to their drawers. There was a time when their love made me feel rich, but now all I feel is poor.

Something Unremarkable

This December
I'll send you a card
Something unremarkable
Something platitudinous
Something that belies the stirrings of my heart
Not because I'm a coward
But simply because I can't stand to have it torn apart.

Wednesday, 6 December 2017


As I stare at the empty space below my Christmas tree
Where presents would sit if anyone liked me
I wonder if I fell in love with you
Because deep down I knew
You would never fall in love with me
And really what I love isn't you
But misery.

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Through Your Despising Eyes Reprised

You look at me
 and you see cold,
you instinctively tug at the cincture of your jacket
 and the collar folds,
as if you could catch the frost from me,
as if you can see by my face what it's like to be me.
Your eyes barely even rate me a mention,
the footpath is taking up the majority of their attention.
Your brain will rapidly delete me,
if my love was a virus, the world would be disease free.

Depressing xmas #4

The only thing I want for Christmas is you.
For you to walk the earth again would be my wish come true.
And just in case, we still set a place at the table just for you.
Christmases are not the same unless you are here too

Depressing xmas #1

You bought them everything their hearts desired, but when push came to shove,
You bought them everything they could ever want, but you couldn't buy their love.

Monday, 4 December 2017


In amongst a box full of old Christmas crackers
I found a classic joke
On a torn, scrumpled-up piece of paper
Was written the word:

Saturday, 2 December 2017

All So Wrong

God, it's all so wrong. I was meant to be strong. I wasn't made to suffer through and carry on. I wasn't made for mediocrity and being dull. I was supposed to twinkle in the sky, just like mummy sang until I turned five. I wanted to be a contender, but somehow I ended up a phone mender.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

This Christmas
We hope that you miss us
We are the dead
And all the people that you have left
Some of us with regret
Some of us you were only too happy to forget
But forget you won't
For this Christmas
Your present is a walk down memory lane
With a tour party of ghosts.