Monday, 26 September 2016

When I Died Inside

...And suddenly I'm standing outside my own body. And there I am... there he is.. mouth torturously agape, his eyes sunken, skin drooping toward the puddle of misery he wishes to become. It was as if someone had found a wick inside him, lit it, and he'd started to melt. His arms, bent slightly at the elbows, holding up a bundle of limp swaddled clothing, the edges tussling in the wind. He holds his face and his bundle up to the heavens screaming like Munch's famous figure.

I never had terribly many friends. In all honesty my children were my best friends. And this is what it feels like when you lose a best friend.

When There's Nothing Left To Look For

I ran out of money so I couldn't go out, so I stayed indoors and raided my memory bank and now that's empty as well and I can't remember nowt. I wake up and stare at the walls, grab my phone and stare at my Wall and see nothing but the same shit from the same fools, I get up and stare at the TV and the clocks reminding me how time is running away from me, I go to work and stare at computer screens and jerks, our acceptance of the banal almost hurts as much as when I go home and stare at the mirror and scare away my self-worth, so I stare at the TV some more and try and muster up some longing for some random whore, before I go to bed and stare at the ceiling long enough that staring into oblivion suddenly feels a whole lot more appealing than believing there will ever be an end to this perpetual grieving. When I go to sleep there's no one to stare at me dreaming, no one to care if I'm still breathing. And when I no longer am, now and again the odd random stranger may stop and stare but above me they'll be no words worth reading. I was never really here, from the moment I was born I was already leaving.

Thursday, 22 September 2016

Lessons In Unrequited Love

Don't go chasing it. If you keep giving her your time, she'll get bored of taking it. She may even start hating it. And anyway, you'll just start faking it for the sake of it. She should be part of your future but not shaping it unless together you're creating it.

Release

Why scrape the bottom of the barrel when you've got all those pretty limbs to scrape instead? I'm not asking to take you to bed like all those other boys, I'm not asking you to even tell me what's going on inside your beautiful fucked-up head. I'd be happy just to watch you take off your dress and drag blades and broken glass and rusty nails across those perfect legs. Blood can wash away even the most stubborn of regrets. Let me watch you forget. Let me watch you at your very best. Carving out a new future for yourself across your former prison of flesh.

Every Time I Visit A House Of Mirrors I Always Seem To Come Across Nothing But An Endless Parade Of Cunts That I Want To Punch So If I Took You With Me To One Then You'd Think That Maybe I'd Actually Be Able To Stomach Your Company For Once But No Such Fucking Luck

Girl, the thing I love most about you is that you give me something more to hate than just myself. Whenever I'm with you, I can't imagine hating anyone else. I can shut my eyes and your voice and stupid cunt words still provide me with something to despise. Whenever I enter you, death doesn't seem so bad because at least I know a coffin won't be the worst thing I've ever been inside. Girl, you truly add meaning to my life. And I can actually start to feel good about myself with you by my side, and walk with some pride, because I can look at you and recognise the fact that no matter how bad things get for me I could never look that fucking undignified. You're a living, breathing, walking suicide. And for nothing but my contempt will you ever be qualified.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Grip

Fritter your passions away. Squander your talent. Take all your emotions and cast them aside. Live life like a zombie. Move from one pointless thing to the next. Briefly eke out an inconsequential existence. Lose yourself. Lose what makes you, you.



Thursday, 8 September 2016

When Your Optimism Doesn't Even Last As Long As Hiddleswift

Are the things haunting me the same things haunting you? When I'm with company it doesn't take me long to want to cut the strings to the puppetry. But then when I'm alone, to my heart and soul I no longer want sole custody. I function most fucking uncomfortably. Always looking to the future as if somehow it's going to be so much smoother. At least, with some reflection, the past you can actually grasp. All that's ahead is an unknown path. The end of which looks pretty fucking dark.

When I've Finally Got The Answer

I've got all the answers now, to all of my life's great questions: is it love? Is it lust? Is it desire? Or need? Can I trust? Am I self sabotaging? Am I programmed to breed? Is this too good to be true? Am I falling for you?

But the thing with answers is, what good do they do? They're all too late for me, and certainly, many years too late for you.

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

When I'm Not Good Enough

Your hand slinks away from mine and you leave me to walk on all alone. Until then, I thought you made me who I was, you made me feel like I was home. All I wanted was the slightest touch, I craved the lightest of such from you and your little fingers. If you gave me but a single chance I'm sure that I could've found a way for us to linger.

So now I walk alone along the soundless streets, by houses tucked like humans on their knees, behind their fences made of forearms. I see them pressed and cramped without a space in this hateful place, everything looks worse without your charms. A song comes on my phone, I've never heard this one on my own. Nothing sounds as good when you're all alone.

Tuesday, 6 September 2016

When You Cannot Love Me

I'm old and cynical enough now that I don't feel the need to be loved, I can walk through life almost completely unplugged from the world around me and it's slithering slugs. My life is no longer laid out before me as if I'm being tugged, toward what people want from me: labour, money, sex or drugs. Instead I can sit in my pants eating bugs, sipping from yesterday's half mouldy mug. Friends can fuck off, I'll roll them in a rug. Family can suck it, if they ask for help I'll just shrug. I don't need anyone now I've found myself, and we fit together so lovely and snug.

Friday, 2 September 2016

The Mystery

I'm a white middle aged man and no one listens to me. Is that why I feel these pangs of unfathomable misery? I mean, they've always promised that this is what is owed to me, and yet here I am ignored and yet still abhorred for my apparent in-bred misogyny. If I could take back one thing it'd be the mention of misogyny, because now all the feminists are rubbing their hands in glee, ready to take out all their frustrations on an insignificant bug like me.

Thursday, 1 September 2016

Inactive Now

Another night. Home again. Haven't even the energy to turn on a light. My phone will be my guide. Each drain of the battery another drain on my life. Who knew such darkness could come from something so bright. Slump down into a chair and stare at the ellipses and replies I've managed to conjure up from my words. Oh, it's fucking absurd. It would almost be funny if it didn't hurt. Wasting all this time on so many jerks.

Nothing Good Comes Of People

But mother, you're wrong. Something good will come of me. I've got such great plans up my sleeve. At the moment, they're just tucked slightly too high out of my reach.

The Acrobats

Hey Dom, I haven't got many things right in my life but at least our friendship was one thing I didn't get wrong. The days of countless hours chatting to each other may be gone. Time leaps forward yet responsibility gets heavier and then drags on. Time will eventually take everything from us and for those days of responsibility we will once again long. Until then I hope we continue to sing our bittersweet songs. In their melancholy is the only place I've truly felt I belong.