Monday, 23 November 2015

It had Been So Long... Too Long

It's been over three months since you didn't email me back. I know one thing, hotmail cancels your account after 30-60 days if you don't log in. I'd like to know why, that's all. I know I'm annoying, I know I write far too much, I know I say stupid things, I know I'm a horrible person. But is that your reason? It's kind of a big thing to go straight from very friendly to blindly ignoring someone. I'd just really like to know what I did wrong. Obviously my apology wasn't good enough before. I've obviously offended you somehow, why else would you do this if not? 

I'd just like to know what I did, I guess you wont tell me, but if I knew, then I could make it up to you or at least accept it and understand. You aren't giving me the chance for either when you ignore me. Perhaps you're just too busy to reply to me, but this doesn't feel like that. You would have at least said one thing to me in three months considering I emailed/bothered you around 5 times in that period. I guess what I need to say is that deep down I'm a genuinely nice person. I may say things that sound crazy and creepy, and yeah maybe I'm insane, but I'm not unbalanced and I would never harm anyone. It seems weird that I am here trying to tell someone I'm not a psychopath, and I am not really sure why I am. I mean, I hardly know you right? So why do I care if you ignore me? Why would you care to reply? I don't really have the answers to those questions. It just seems important to me and it feels very much like I've done something wrong. I just feel really weird about the whole situation, like I've upset you in some way and that really wasn't my intention at all. 

You can ask anyone what I'm like as a person. It just seems so weird to think you're scared of me, I am so harmless, I don't drink or smoke or do drugs, I never have and never will. I'm just that boring, I prefer people to make me happy than substances, so I'm hardly hiding some mental condition that predisposes me to stalking and terrorizing people that I hardly know. If I dream about you it hardly means that I'm obsessive and weird... well I hope not anyway... I rather think that you're just a memory of mine that appears in my dreams from time to time. I don't know why it happens. I don't ask for it. I would prefer to look at it as my sub conscious admiring you than thinking of it as creepy, I never thought of it as creepy before but I guess when you think about it dreams are one of those very personal things. I guess I shouldn't have said anything, but I see that I didn't think very hard. It sounds more creepy than it is. I have lots of dreams about lots of people, they're not some kind of disturbing erotic dreams. For example, I had a dream the other night that my friend and I were visiting you and that you and her became good friends. In the dream you lived up near High Street for some reason, and then all of a sudden I had to go outside your house and fight in some war that was going on, and then I came back inside and met your dad. I mean, they're hardly creepy dreams, they're quite definitely odd, but then all dreams are pretty odd aren't they?

Like I said before, I really don't know what I'm attempting to achieve or prove here, just that I feel bad if I have upset you, or that you have the wrong idea about me. I wasn't trying to bother you by emailing you, I was just being friendly and I was truly interested in what you were doing nowadays, I had no idea you were overseas. I have a girlfriend. Even if I was single I would hope I had more class than to hit on a girl 1000 km away, by email, who is way out of my league, beautiful enough to have anyone she liked and most probably in a serious relationship. I'm insane, but I'm not retarded. I don't hit on people even if I was single, how I acted towards you earlier is just me generally, I'm playful and nearly everything I say needs to be taken as a joke. Sometimes I can't judge very well how funny something is, and things like "Hey I dreamt about you the other night", seem funny and quirky to me, but perhaps creepy and awkward to others. 

I guess I've said everything I wanted to. I just hope that this helps you see that I'm not a creep, and if I offended you, I'm totally in the dark about what I said, but I apologize totally and I'm sure it's just a misinterpretation because I'm so terrible at expressing myself. So anyway, I'm sorry again, but this time I hope you can see that its a serious attempt at an apology. I really did like hearing from you, like I told you earlier I'm doing a literature major and I found the way you wrote very interesting and think you're quite funny. I like you, but I have to disappoint you because I'm not a crazed stalker obsessed with you and dreaming of you every night and plotting how to track you. I'm too lazy to even walk downstairs and get a drink, let alone stalk someone. So can we start again, or is it impossible and pointless now?

It was impossible and pointless.

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