Tuesday, 17 November 2015

A Tall Ordure

Two boys had run up to us at lunch, excited and sweaty, they were full to the back of their throats with a story they were desperate to leak. It came tumbling out their mouths a jumbled mess:

"Did you... Did you hear-"

"The toilets?" the second one interjected.

"The turd?" said the first gasping for breath. They were both snickering. We indicated our innocence and they continued. "The biggest turd you've ever, ever seen-"

"Bigger!" said the second.

From what we managed to piece together, before they ran off in search of someone new, was that a mystery person had done a massive poo on the top of a closed toilet lid and left it festering in the boys bathroom. A steady stream of school boys could be seen entering and exiting the toilet block to marvel at its glory. We never made it. An all school assembly was called not five minutes later.

The principal mounted the podium, looking a mix of both wildly annoyed and bewildered, he began:

"It has come to my attention that a sick individual has made a mess inside the boy's bathroom."
A few stifled snorts rang out from within the audience.
"This is no laughing matter, the groundsman is in there right now and he has to clean it up."
A Mexican wave of giggles began rippling throughout the audience.
"No one will be leaving here until the culprit is found."
A collective sharp intake of breath replaced the giggles.
"Actually, that's not true, I've changed my mind. All the girls may leave."
The girls began leaving as I raged against the injustice of it all.
"Obviously this couldn't have been done by a girl," he muttered.
I stared at a poster on the auditorium wall whilst I waited for the pooper to come forward.

Of course they never did.

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