Sunday, 30 March 2014

Just a Kid

The floor was white. The walls and ceiling were white.
The vinyl seating was beige, and couldn't have been less comfortable if the designers had tried.
It's strange that the properties of a hospital that make it sterile and healthy, are also the ones that make it seem foreign and intimidating.

He was alone in the waiting room, for who knows how long. Maybe 10 minutes. Maybe 40. He can't remember. He could tell you the date, but only because he's since had 13 years of wrapping presents and being the guy that says hip-hip for the hoorays after the song.
Later he would tell of how nervous he was. And he wished he was. He felt like he should have been apprehensive. Scared even. But truthfully, he was bored.

This, undoubtedly the most life changing moment of his life, but incapable of grasping the enormity of the situation. And in his defense, how could he? Impending fatherhood and impending motherhood are vastly different creatures. Soon-to-be mums can feel a scaled down person moving about inside them. But he just saw his girlfriend getting fat and eating weird shit. He had felt the kicks, and whispered to the ever expanding stomach that preceded her everywhere she went, but they were more for her benefit than anything else; PR stunts.

And now everything changes. He walked into the room a dickhead teenager, and would leave a dickhead teenager with a tiny human, he'd never met, that he was now responsible for keeping alive. And expected to love.

He did not cry. He was not overcome with waves of emotion.

He introduced himself. And took it from there.

Friday, 28 March 2014

The Total and Entire History of Kentucky Fried Chicken


In the beginning the earth was KFC-less. It was best left unspoken about - eight out of ten people simply wandered about wondering why they were even alive, whilst the other two people were busy dying of bubonic plague or something.

And so the lord our colonel deemed us worthy to share in his benevolence - a recipe for fried chicken. A recipe so glorious that everyone agreed that it could only have been crafted from the very hand of god himself. People rejoiced and ate chicken parts by the billions.






But then the trouble came. Red Rooster, Oporto, Super Rooster, Crackjack fuckin' Chicken.... Heresies sprang up all around, wishing to cash in, spreading vicious lies and diverting the population from the one true god. The people began to lose sight of the message and not even the Double Crunch Burger could bring them back.

And the Colonel did so love the world that he gave his only begotten son



A child named Chicky was laid in 0CE (Chicky Era) to two unwed chickens. His parents had followed a bright gleaming bucket, shining on the horizon, and wound up in a KFC.
Due to consumption they did not make it past 1 BCE (before Chicky Era), and so Chicky was left to hatch alone.

Chicky was incubated by the loving warmth of the fry grill he had rolled under. It was clear from the moment of his miraculous parent-less birth that he was sent by the colonel himself. The only son of the holy father.




Chicky was sent to us to be sacrificed so that our sins would be washed away.
His body is the new covenant of our salvation.
His blood washes away the sins of mankind.


On the night before his execution Chicky gathered his disciples for a final meal. He took the hot'n'spicy chicken wing, gave thanks, broke it and said unto them: "do this in memory of me."

He took the mountain dew, gave thanks, opened it and said unto them: "do this in memory of me."

Since that time the people have made a weekly pilgrimage to their local KFC and done as Chicky commanded. They consume of his flesh and drink of his blood.

And consequently all is OK in the universe.


Chicken of god may you take away the sins of the world;
have mercy upon us.






Slathering Clay

It was wriggling.

Distended. The walls were distended.

It stood rigid like rubber. Cold and blueish red. It pulsated slightly.

The life had left it. But death itself made it dance on.

It gave birth.

It pushed forth and flicked away. And flicked away. And flicked away.

So I put it in and felt the pullulation.

I put in again and thrust away. And thrust away. And thrust away.

The dribble made me sad.