Saturday, 9 November 2013


What’s the deal with handshakes anyway? Is there no better way to greet another human than clasping one of their filthiest parts and then shaking it vigorously?

Handshakes between dudes are the worst. Dudes are gross. Who wants to touch another man’s hand anyway? For one, there are the guys that use it as a power play where they all too firmly grasp your hand in an effort to injure. And then there are those who are so completely in acceptance of their own position as perpetual beta male, that they hand you this limp wet lump and don’t even attempt to move it up or down.

Plus, at some point you come to realize that 100% of men regularly touch, scratch or otherwise use this hand to pleasure their genitals. So it’s basically this:

Rubbing up against you. For anywhere up to 5 awkward seconds that feel like 5 awkward months.

Even air kissing European-style is nearly preferable, but of course, fairly un-manly. So I propose a different method. If people have to touch at all, why not a solid respectable shoulder pat, where my right hand pats you once on your left shoulder, whilst your right hand pats me once on my left shoulder, we can then share a very brief moment where our eyes meet in mutual respect. No skin conditions shared, no sweaty grease rubbed against unwilling flesh. Just an unawkward second of physical contact, mitigated perfectly by clothes (neither party should attempt this whilst unclothed, as dudes have back hair and weird moles and shit, and seriously fuck that).

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Why Assassins Creed 3 is a great game and a fucking terrible game.

I don't like stealth games that much. Stealth games can be fucking lame. The bad ones actively remind me of how little patience I have in a consistently frustrating way. If I'm playing a game I don't want to lurk around in a shadow for 2-3minutes watching the pattern of guards patrolling in stupid zig-zags, where they inexplicably spend a large amount of time staring closely at a wall whilst facing away from the direction you're approaching (why on earth do they do that? Who is the guy paying these guys to walk back and forth day and night in the same exact pattern? Was, "I am good at walking up to walls and staring for long periods with my back exposed" a bullet point on each of these guy's resumes?). It really breaks up any chance of being an immersive gameplay experience. After watching them walk back and forth and waiting for my opportunity, I can then proceed unseen to the next point where I sit and wait and watch and memorize another pattern. Great, just great. Is this what fun is?

Some people like stealth games, and that's fine. I'm not saying they're bad or that people that enjoy them are wrong, I'm simply saying that I personally don't really care for them, or at least, I don't care much for Assassins Creed 1, 2 & 3. Having said that, Assassin's Creed 3 is a decent enough stealth game in parts. Climbing buildings, running and jumping is so fluid and natural in all of the AC series of games that playing something like Uncharted is a complete and utter joke. If you've tried climbing something in uncharted and compared that to AC series then you know what I mean. Fighting dynamics are also, generally, fairly okay.

However, ignoring that I don't like stealth games and am inherently a little biased against them - ignoring that - there are some glaring failings of the AC series:
  • The Story/Animus/Desmond. After a bunch of hours as a powerful assassin you get dicked around, told you're not an assassin, get power-nerfed back to a baby and told to collect feathers. Fuck. Okay. So for whatever reason you decide to persevere, you spend even more hours growing up, rebuilding your strength back to what you had before in the interests of progressing the storyline. Your mum dies at some point but you won't give a shit because you basically met her 5minutes ago and you're still pissed off you just got made to collect feathers and trap bunnies for a few hours. Then at some point the storyline picks up, shit gets a little exciting, you're getting into the game..... BAM! COITUS INTERRUPTUS happens and you're being pulled out of the animus thing. Now you're in the future, the character and storyline you've been striving to get into suddenly wrenches away from you and you're told to climb a crane and do some base jumping and parachuting. What the fuck is the point of this? Why can't I have a cutscene at the start of the game telling me about the animus, why I'm an Indian, and then one at the end saying whether we were successful or not? Why interrupt the flow of the game by launching me into the future sporadically to play a character who I don't give a shit about? This is a big gripe of mine with every game in the AC series. The whole future storyline is dumb, make a standalone game about it if you like it so much, don't ruin games that are supposed to be set in the past by putting that shit in. Or if you have to do it, do it when the game/narrative is plateauing not when its in one of its very rare rises, it really kills it. Desmond is a giant loser. 

  • Horses. What. The. Actual. Fuck. Why is riding a horse in AC3 equally as bad as riding a horse in AC1 - actually no, its probably worse than AC1 because you don't get a stamina meter for your horse anymore. As it was with AC1 and AC2, in number 3 your horse just stops running without much warning, gets stuck, refuses to jump over things, occasionally forcing you to dismount, move ahead a little and whistle for it again. This can be super frustrating when doing any inconsequential horse riding whilst getting from A to B, but time critical horse riding when you're chasing someone down becomes completely fucking infuriating. Red dead redemption did it perfectly in 2010. AC3 was released 2012. Riding a horse in this game makes you angry that you can't shoot it to death and skin it like in Red Dead. This horse riding is not fluid, nothing feels natural or right about sitting ontop of it, every horse feels slow and rigid like a big stagecoach horse, with 0 manoeuvrability. You'll be hoping you can dismount asap. Even if I have miles of distance to cover I often choose to run it on foot just to avoid how shit it is to ride a horse in this game. 

  • Running away or running after someone. This can be almost as annoying as the horse related issues I mentioned above. Running is good in fairly flat and open areas, you can nearly run faster than the horse across different surfaces. It nearly makes the horse pointless. However, when suddenly time is critical and every misstep matters, your run button becomes extremely frustrating. You'll latch onto things you didn't want to. You'll jump onto things you didn't mean to. Not occasionally, but frequently. It can be difficult to disengage sometimes when you have inadvertently launched yourself into a climb, and by the time you're free, you're going to have to start the mission again because the escort or target is now out of range. This is the kinda shit that was annoying in AC1 and 2, and continues to be so in number 3. 

  • Liberating a fort. So you liberate English forts and turn them over to the yankees (even after they betray or dick you around repeatedly). But if your wanted level is high after killing English soldiers and doing liberation missions, yankees will have no qualms with shooting first and asking questions later. What the fuck. I literally just liberated this fort, you all walked in whilst I was there, you saw my face, you saw what I'm dressed in. Now you're trying to kill me. It's all the thanks I need!

I got around 2 cities into the game of AC1, the story was fairly unappealing to me and the gameplay horrendously repetitive. AC2 I made it a little further, the addition of developing your homestead was interesting, but ultimately the game itself suffers from the same problem as AC1, a completely repetitive set of missions in similar looking locations, whilst riding a horse that regularly disobeys you. And all that fucking climbing and synchronizing bullshit (why in the fuck is the synchronize button when you're at the highest points in the game, the same button as the drop button anyway?) AC3 at least attempts to break up the monotony with hunting (fairly useless but fun for 3-5 minutes), more homestead stuff (large amount of trading and crafting available, all utterly pointless) and naval battles (good where it fit into the storyline, but wouldn't seek them out as they grow repetitive). Is it better than AC1 and AC2? Yes, absolutely, its almost a playable game.Will this be the first AC game I finish? No. But, having said that, being native american and slaughtering people with a tomahawk is an absolute joy. When I got bored of the main mission I would simply hunt down guards and kill as many as I could just to see how cool it looked hacking people up with a custom tomahawk. This game introduces a lot of new things into a series which was stale from the outset, but unfortunately it still can't get the basics right. Seriously, fire the guy who does the horses. Out of a cannon. Into the sun.