What’s the deal with handshakes anyway? Is there no better way to greet another human than clasping one of their filthiest parts and then shaking it vigorously?
Handshakes between dudes are the worst. Dudes are gross. Who wants to touch another man’s hand anyway? For one, there are the guys that use it as a power play where they all too firmly grasp your hand in an effort to injure. And then there are those who are so completely in acceptance of their own position as perpetual beta male, that they hand you this limp wet lump and don’t even attempt to move it up or down.
Plus, at some point you come to realize that 100% of men regularly touch, scratch or otherwise use this hand to pleasure their genitals. So it’s basically this:
Rubbing up against you. For anywhere up to 5 awkward seconds that feel like 5 awkward months.
Even air kissing European-style is nearly preferable, but of course, still really gay. So I propose a different method. If people have to touch at all, why not a solid respectable shoulder pat, where my right hand pats you once on your left shoulder, whilst your right hand pats me once on my left shoulder, we can then share a very brief moment where our eyes meet in mutual respect. No skin conditions shared, no sweaty grease rubbed against unwilling flesh. Just an unawkward second of physical contact, mitigated perfectly by clothes (neither party should attempt this whilst unclothed, as dudes have back hair and weird moles and shit, and seriously fuck that).